The Pickle Slicer
Connor worked in a pickle factory. He had been
employed there several years
when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion:
He had a nearly uncontrollable urge to stick
his penis all the way
into the pickle slicer! His wife, horrified at
the mere thought, suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but
Connor said he'd be much to embarrassed.
Connor vowed that he would overcome the
compulsion on his own.
A few weeks later, Connor came home absolutely
ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
amiss. "What's wrong, Connor?" she asked.
"Do you remember when I
told you that I had a tremendous urge to stick my penis into the
pickle slicer?"
"Oh no. Connor, you didn't?"
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Connor, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
A Wee Bit of Trouble
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming,
"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants.
"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling
and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a
blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says,
"My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did.
Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon
to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in... "
A One Liner
An Irishman fell a
hundred feet from a building site and asked if he was hurt by the
fall.
"Indeed not," he
replied, "It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was the sudden
stop."
A Tough Fall
Pat and Mike took a job
on a farm to eke out a meager existence.
One day while pat was
baling hay, he sees mike come running up yelling,
"Pat, come quick! Seamus
just fell into the manure pit up to his ankles!"
Pat was not alarmed in
the least.
He asked Mike, "If he's
only in up to his ankles, can't he just walk out?"
"No," said Mike, running
off again.
"Grab a shovel, and
hurry, he fell in head first!"
The Long Flight
Two Irishmen are flying home
from London.
Shortly after taking off
there is a big explosion and the pilot announces
that one of the four engines
has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer.
Not long afterwards the
pilot announces that a second engine
as failed and the flight
time will be 40 minutes longer.
Half an hour later the pilot
speaks to the passenger again
to say that the third engine
has gone out and they will arrive an hour late.
At this time, one of the
Irishman turns to the other and remarks
"I hope that fourth engine
keeps going or we'll be up here all night."
A Bit of Whiplash
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ...
"Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus,
"why don't you take your jacket off
and turn it from front to
back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back
and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.
After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see
that Paddy was not there.
Seamus immediately turned
the bike around and retraced their route.
When after a short time he
came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers
standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven,
is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the
farmers, " he was alright when we found him here ..
but since we turned his head
back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Irish Farming
An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in
Long Kesh Prison, didn't
have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about
his predicament. The son sent the reply,
"For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig
the garden up, that's where I buried the guns!!!!!"
At 3 AM the next morning, a
dozen British soldiers turned up
and dug the garden for 3
hours, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to
his son telling him what had
happened, asking him what he
should do now?
The son sent the reply: "NOW
plant the potatoes!"
